Accidentally Sent

Friday, July 4, 2008 |

I dont mean to i swear its sitting in my drafts folder for almost 2 weeks when i reopen my mails and breeze through it and boom what the heck did gmail do ? i sent it? OMFG. Honestly, after realizing the biggest mistake i did i feel like blowing my head off, i want to die, its so humiliating omg! omg! omg! omg!
Well, i stood still in composure but deep inside i wanted to drown from where im standing, then finally out of courage i txted him about my mistake. And he read it, yeah, i dunno how he reacted to that but maybe just laugh at it, i guess he wont believe it anyway.
But its true, no matter how funny and how impossible it seems to him, theres nothing in that letter but pure love and honesty..
Heres how it goes..

28 years of my life and im doing for the first time, yeah never realized that i would come to the point of writting this, but i know i have to do this for myself, anyhow much shame on me bec i know this will stay in drafts forever but somehow i just want to tell you your real position in my life..

I got no idea how to say it right, but i know it is as pointless as keeping it unsaid bec i know very well that you dont love me back. I know i should not be telling you how much you mean to me and i know then again you will equate this girl to stupidity for loving someone she dont even know in reality. It is not easy to betray your own reasoning your own liking and what your heart tells you, allthemore it is not easy to feel the silent rejection, bec its more painful than the brokenheart i had from my past relationship.

I know what you're thinking about me but let me correct something, Men, they come and go in my life and some dont even make impressions to be atleast remembered. Im not desperate and i can live without men to look after me.If you wanna learn the truth, XXXXXXX (edited) i tried to be his girlfriend, and i did, and im good at keeping my obligations. I needed him, but i did not use him to get over with Macky, maybe yes i cared for him. But between you two it was far beyond compare.

Enough defending myself as it wont change anything..

True that i dont intend to be hurt again, but im old enough at this to realize that when you love someone you give them the ultimate right to hurt you, i think thats given. For some reason i cant remember exactly when u started to hurt me err (rephrase) For some reason i cant remember exactly when i started to love you.

Im sorry Edwin bec i loved you when i should not have, bec i loved you when you were just good to me, bec i loved you when i know u cant love me back, bec i love you when you can never ever be mine. But im okay i am strong right? And bec i love you i want to hear good things from you, i want you to move on from your brokenheart, i want you to live a happy and good life. Yes, It will hurt me to know that you love someone else, but then again pain would be temporary, bec i love you i want to know that you are happy.Believe me bec its true when i say that I have never loved someone selflessly as much i do to you, not with Neil, not even with Macky.

Men come and go in my life, You will remain here, you taught me so many things i never learned from my past relationship, you never seize to amaze me with your wit, you are one of the kindest heart ive come to know,and i always look up to you, i always follow you, not bec i love you, but bec you're just one great person who deserves much respect and love more than you thought you do.

Dont think that i expect you to love me back bec i dont,im too old to live in fancy, edwin will never ever love me, and it hurts but i accepted that already. Someday my feelings will change into something, someday i will love someone else, but i wont rest till i know you are already happy, bec i will never ever get tired of caring for you Edwin.

Someday i will laugh reading this letter, maybe just smile at the taught i once loved you. When that time comes, i hope we are both contented and happy with our lives.

I love Edwin Sing Tan - Thats one thing permanently added to my lifes story. Something that will always remain a part of me.

sorry better luck next mail wahahah .. ^__^