Dear Heart

Sunday, May 25, 2008 |

Dear Heart ..

Its been so long since we had a conversation without fighting at all. I guess theres no more need for me to tell you how much i miss talking to you.. and you talking back to me.. agreeing.. or Following.

What now dear heart?

Do i need to remind you of the things that i witness? Well, Maybe i do..

We were born the same day. The moment u started to beat was the moment i started to live. When we were younger, you were tough, but no more than though you are you remain to follow me and everything i said, you ackowledge that even we are the same in influence, i am at the top, therefore i rule over you. I have guided you for so many times and i prevented you to be hurt or be broken by anyone..It is my conscience that pulls you always to be right, to be smart and to be the girl that everyone wants.

As we grow older, ive witness that you are starting to keep secrets from me, when infact you cant but you still do..Do you remember that boy you kept for so long till highschool? you've always believed that he is the most ideal person to deserve you, when i know for sure he does not even love you, not even like you,Yeah even if he don't know he broke you into pieces you remain to be inlove with him..and whenever you feel dissapointed at some guy, to save yourself from breaking again, you come back loving him..You are a fool dear heart.

At college you fell inlove with your bestfriend, i guess that when you experienced everything firsthand, well i have to admit that i thought he was really the one for you. You were very happy, so even if i know that he is less than you can deserve, i agreed with you that time, i know there are a few flaws and time can change that. Then again it was a big mistake that you loved too much you even forget what im saying. You sinned so much and left me out, you shut me and pretended that i dont exist..You were cruel but then again, how can i not understand you, you were in love.

When he's starting to stray i told you that he stopped loving you already, but you kept hanging on to him, you loved him even more in the belief that you can win him back. When he's struggling to get out you locked him in, when im shouting at you the truth, you remain in denial, you remain in pain when you have the option to be free, you very well know that i cant do anything for you if you wont follow me, i was helpless seeing you bleed completely i cant do nothing but watch you cry all night and hear your prayers that i know even God wont answer. I was so tired of reminding you to hear me.. then you started to decide by yourself, something you know isn't right, but u still do, i have always been above you, but at some point, you made me feel worthless.

When he told you the ultimatum, i know how desperate you felt trying to change everything, but you are not God, and amongst all hearts in this world, youre not the only one hurting. So you are left with nothing, I guess i have to thank time and coincidence, or God if he truly exist, you've been forced to make a choice for yourself that swinging for your own benefit. To go..

Shall i state the obvious once more? Well you remained stubborn, this time you loved someone you can't even own, Ive been keeping you awake all night to realize the sin you are about to make, and to realize the kind of life you wanted that seems impossible with him, You denied my opinions so many times i was about to give up, But im happy in the end you chose to follow , if not mine, then everyone's say about you having him, or him having you as another woman. I can't rest my thoughts in the truth that you can break a family just to get what you want. Was it really love? or Just a desperation to be loved and belong after your failed long time relationship? Anyway, fate butted in, you learned it by yourself without my help and Now Im glad you are out of it.

What now dear heart? I know you felt alone and i know you are beginning to like someone we dont even know yet, but can you take a broken heart before love? can you risk the truth and remain loyal after? you have always been very loving at some point its already irrational, how can you love someone you dont know in real life? how can you be so stupid dear heart?
You've been keeping me silenced for so many times already, but now i cant help but let it all out, I can sense that you will be hurt again if you dont stop, that you will cry again if you wont allow me to help you. Illusions can only be real if you're the only one looking at it, at my point illusions remain illusions until time or actions make it real. You Love too much and i know you have always want everything to be true, you don't live in fancy, thats one thing i like about you.

Dear Heart, time will come that one great love will find you, there will be no senses needed to tell you its the right one bec we will know, both of us, not just me, and definitely not just you. By that time i can prove you, im not here to contradict you like you always believe i am.

I hope by now, you learn that i can't neglect you completely, for when you cry, i loose myself, when you break, i die.I have always wanted you to be happy, but happiness isn't all there is you can deserve. There's so much in this world that could make you or break you, luck , love, success or failures. They come and go as they please and when you allow them to beat you like hell then they would. When you are at your weakest please realize that my voice will pull you through, i may not be able to mend you but i will give you the best decisions to help you stand and live the life you are meant to have. I can't live without you, please realize the same goes for you.

When we are all in one body, How can i not care ?

Thoughful Mind

I Mean It

Friday, May 23, 2008 |

Madness ..

Why Not ?


Hiraia is me.
Look she's crazy kissing someone else's boyfriend ahahah.. Hira is going crazy .. so am I.

a kiss is great when u least expect it..
althemore when it comes from me. ahaha.

Collecting Trashes

Friday, May 16, 2008 |

Out of boredom i arranged my vendors storage, and this is how it looks like after ..
then page 2 ..

see.. im collecting trash .. i still have a lot in other chars..i stopped aranging when i started to feel lazy. ciao ^_^

Getting To know Hernez

Monday, May 12, 2008 |

Yeah you guessed it right >> I'm bored. Well Hebarn was down since i woke up this morning.Im left with nothing to do so i kinda manage to twix mah blogger !
Honestly, ive been wanting to do some things like this in the past but im a little busy, or pretending to be busy. LOL.
Lets get you to meet my friend.There. Thats his character r0sn3z in Arua Hebarn, he is also known as K1ngofDeath to Rewind, currently he's playing on his farmer scout now QuickThinker, but he's already levelling his power scout iROSNEZ, that will for sure, be soon a part of Rewind. Coz, just so you know Nez Owns! <3
Well, apart from being close ingame, i haven't really seen Nez in person, until last night he posted his pic in Friendster which i immediately saved to my photobucket. Im really happy to get to know him closer this time atleast i've seen how he is as a real person, not just an online character.

My First Looties


This is late but does it matter? Five days ago i looted my first Zephyr Falcon (slot) and BTS (slot) .. There should have been a Skullbreaker (slot) also unfortunately my client dced before i even pick it up. It was a loss but im still happy.. Thanks tons to Kera and Vaga for droping nice to me. All in one day.
To be honest, im loosing hope on Amaziah having badluck with Boss drops, but i proved myself wrong. Finally, farming paid off well, when Edwin said he really created Amaziah because it bores him that i only have Hira as cleric, doing nothing but buff and support.. Well its so nice when i gave him the ZF slot im sure he's not expecting that althemore when i traded him also the bts slot..
Luck came my way. I love you Amaziah <3..

Download the Client Now and Play with Me

The Mystery of Tears


T____T <<-- in chats they use this symbol to connote sorrow, or to cry. It's so used widely in games and online. But in real life, i doubt it.. So lemme ask you, do you have the courage to cry? In my experience, a vast majority of people I encounter seem to suppress their tears because our culture deems crying in public as unacceptable. I wonder how it is that if you and I are to fully encourage success in life that we can also discourage our emotional response to that life. It seems to me that inhibiting tears somehow means that you’re strong and capable; unaffected by and disconnected from the influence of others. What I'm suggesting is that to detach from others is to be invulnerable to one’s self; to be invulnerable to your whole being, your whole life, and your whole good.

Not crying when you really want to is not risking but choosing safety. To withhold your tears, whether painful or joyful, is to choose the gray fog of indifference to yourself. That, my friend, is the definition of neglect.

In my own life, I used to wish I wouldn't cry. My propensity for tears was always beyond my control. I couldn't stop myself and yet, I didn't want to cry. I didn't want others to see my pain or to know that I was lacking in confidence and self-discipline. Most of all, I wanted to hide my feelings because I associated them with my mother. I thought her tears were a sign of weakness. I thought her emotional waves were the reason my father left us. And if there was anything I didn't want, it was more abandonment.

I once believed that my ability to feel life so intensely was my greatest liability. And, once I had a baby, it only got worse. I could cry at the drop of a hat and ultimately I stopped fighting the tears. I cried at home, at work, in restaurants and at meetings.

Then one day, a mentor of mine explained the true meaning of emotions. Its translation entirely shifted my willingness to cry without judgment. She told me that the word emote was Latin in origin. She said that E stands for I and MOTE stands for MOVE. Emote means I-MOVE. And the more I cried, the closer I moved towards the authentic me.

etting go is so much easier to do when you understand that tears are the natural response to being provoked, excited or stressed. That's why tears come in so many flavors: relief, joy, grief, anxiety. Through tears, your body seeks to regain the balance that so many of us need.

So go on, let it out it and begin moving toward the personal prosperity within you. Open the door to your heart by feeling what's there and keep that door open to all the goodness that may enter into the space you've created inside. In the words of Washington Irving:

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief… and unspeakable love." My challenge to you is to simply feel what you feel, in real-time, with real purpose. I encourage you to remember that anger is merely a mask for sadness and need not be directed at others or yourself.

Need to be Inspired? Click here Peace Movie

Rewind Porch

Saturday, May 3, 2008 |

Its unofficial but yeah, theres a certain spot in Xita Rewind members love to hangout, we call that Rewind Porch ^__^

Rewind : L-R (Lepou, Chiz, Lina, Mau, Jule, Walkz, Hakee, Eat)
only a few.. some are vending

back view from my scout ^__^

First Summer Rain


Its is summer and its absolutely hot even at night, but today it rained.. Its a change, a drastic one, from being humid and dry and all becomes moisty, cold and shady.. Cant do much on a rainy day.. But I liked it.. Ive always loved the rain. Not that i am lazy but i just wanna curl up and hug pillows and drown in bed during a nice cold day. Now i know its gonna be different for me.. Rainy days gets me down as always but this time, emotionally..
Like the valentines or new year or Christmas, i cant help but think, how nice it would be to have someone to hug and warm me from the cold breeze of the first summer rain.

Looking Back: April


Im just bored, i guess i just wanna look back and check my activities last April. What did April bring me?
April - I use to hate even hearing this month. Ask me why? My first Boyfriend who is now a friend (demoted.. ^_^) had some flirtgal that goes by the name April. Well.. not a good memory to look back but i forgive her already so its fine now. Well not that im too busy i just dont normally account the things that happened to me, anyway life happens to me in such a breeze i never even have a checklist of my own goals and dreams.. But i have dreams lmao.. Simple hardly possible dreams.
Going back..

Last April >>

  • Macky send me a business card with his number . It was more than a surprise because that was beyond impossible.
  • Reality bit me and i woke up from some illusion i have always believed. I realized the trauma that creeps over me and the fear of another useless fight. I started to feel distant to someone i called hubbey.
  • I got some chance to get better gears for my cleric her int 520 became 526.
  • Patch 810 of Aruarose a very big milestone for my most loved online game.
  • Every Night boss farming with Hector and Elisha. Yeah i eventually got used to calling him Ed or Edwin, well he said once how much he love his name and i LOLed on that.
  • My cleric left LastWish Clan and joined Rewind and i never thought that this could really happen. They were nice and they really protect their members, I learned to go to wars whenever im needed or just whenever im feeling lazy to do anything.
  • Ed made a knight that we can use for Charms farming thus KingArthurII was born ..
  • Ed and I made a new Raider for Kera farming llllAvEnGeRsllll he leveled slow to farm lisents CR in temple B2 and eventually speed level to catch up some fixtures tended to be done come patch 811. Amando thank you so much. ^_^
  • Hiraia my cleric maxed to 215 too, and i think she just deserve, bec even as pioneer i never had the chance to max my Hira on PRose or on Ruff.
  • Prior to being Maxed, llllAvEnGeRsllll looted his first Zephyr Falcon drop. slotted (yeah baby !!)
  • Soon Edwin realized that the new raider seems weaker than before it was reseted so we made a new Raider by the name Amaziah.
  • Amah Speedlevel too to catch up on EXP madness due to Arua's Birthday event. 215 now yey.
  • Arua's 1 year celebration at the Adventurer plains and WTF cake hat ^__^. Thanks Matt.
  • Now back to my reality, we lost a very important person in our lives, i have to admit that no matter how big this change was, i never had the courage to write it in my blog (just yet) i am not in denial anymore because i know that wherever Lolo is today he is much better, no more pain and no more suffering.. sometime in the future i will write about my real feelings concerning his death. Sometime..but not now.
  • Hubbey is back ingame but we rarely talk, we fight at the most stupid things and i just grew tired of feeling bad. Unconsciously i drifted away, Mau, not Hira but Me.
  • Nez closed some deal and i painted it dry for him. I learned that he trust me that much and i really appreciate that.
  • OMG Nez stripped his raider (i hate this idea) and QuickThinker was back in game much stronger in his 5/20 set.
  • I finally met Roy again .. well, i will possibly write an article about this because theres too much feelings drowning me having him as a topic.
  • One night, I nearly had myself in danger .. sorry but i cannot much elaborate
  • Amah is now 215 and has completed his g7 set. We are still farming.
  • Amah joined Lastwish so we could farm Sockets in Eldeon CF in a party with Elisha. No luck just yet.
  • I was feeling sick most of the days ending April, but im doing well atleast im not bedridden or sumthing.
  • Edwin have new plans to make a baby cleric and me to create a baby mage.. Have'nt started yet >,<
Wheeww !
Its quite tiring hahaha, but its nice to look back sometimes.. Goodbye April.