Fireworks Makes Me Cry

Monday, December 31, 2007 |

Im restless, ive been sitting infront of the monitor for almost 30 minutes now and yet i still dont know how to start, but yes, i have something in mind, rather something in my entire self thats worried about whats fast approaching now. The New Year.
I used to love holidays, splurge on the simple things it could bring, unfortunately no matter how much i try to inherit the ambiance of the season, i just cant, on the other hand, its rather like a curse to me, reminding me of how lucky some people are to be simply happy.
What does it take to be happy anyways? i was in the belief that im doing my best and thats i gave everything to be happy, i guess i was wrong because no matter how simple or complicated things are, the evidence is here. Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness..
Its funny that im afraid of something everyone else is excited about. Because thats something that would remind me that i was one of the very few lonely people , that , even my family or friends wont share the same feeling, as holidays like new year's eve is as special to them as it is with everyone else in the world. its the time that i will be reminded that, i am alone, because i cant be happy like the rest.
As much as beautiful fountains hurt my eye, as much as different colors in the sky astonish people, i will at that time be reminded that everyone is filled with joy and hopes, and i among everyone else, feels otherwise.
In the past years that i welcome the new year, i was sharing the same feeling with the rest of mankind, but now i am not, so whenever i see a magnificient show of fireworks in the sky, i cant help but envy those who enjoy the sight and how happy and fulfilling that would be for them to experience such grand spectacle. Because its true, astonishment touches hearts and shows true feelings, therefore happiness flows freely as much as sorrow.
Before, the sight of the new year bring me inate happiness and hope that overwhelms me, now its the other way around, each new year when i see fireworks display i shed tears for different reasons, but this time tears wont mean bewilderment, nor astomishment, nor joy, rather it would mean my deepest agony,my grief, my heartbreak, something ive been trying to cover with smiles and laughter and something ive been disposing of diligently.
Well, no matter what i do, i know its gonna come, i just hope the new year passes fast for me because i am really afraid to feel alone, seeming apart from the world and everyone else.
But i will be persistent until all the noises stop, until sparklers cease painting the night sky. I will resist, and like the rest of the world i will watch even if i am not sharing everyones spirit at the moment, even if fireworks makes me cry..