Fireworks Makes Me Cry

Monday, December 31, 2007 |

Im restless, ive been sitting infront of the monitor for almost 30 minutes now and yet i still dont know how to start, but yes, i have something in mind, rather something in my entire self thats worried about whats fast approaching now. The New Year.
I used to love holidays, splurge on the simple things it could bring, unfortunately no matter how much i try to inherit the ambiance of the season, i just cant, on the other hand, its rather like a curse to me, reminding me of how lucky some people are to be simply happy.
What does it take to be happy anyways? i was in the belief that im doing my best and thats i gave everything to be happy, i guess i was wrong because no matter how simple or complicated things are, the evidence is here. Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness..
Its funny that im afraid of something everyone else is excited about. Because thats something that would remind me that i was one of the very few lonely people , that , even my family or friends wont share the same feeling, as holidays like new year's eve is as special to them as it is with everyone else in the world. its the time that i will be reminded that, i am alone, because i cant be happy like the rest.
As much as beautiful fountains hurt my eye, as much as different colors in the sky astonish people, i will at that time be reminded that everyone is filled with joy and hopes, and i among everyone else, feels otherwise.
In the past years that i welcome the new year, i was sharing the same feeling with the rest of mankind, but now i am not, so whenever i see a magnificient show of fireworks in the sky, i cant help but envy those who enjoy the sight and how happy and fulfilling that would be for them to experience such grand spectacle. Because its true, astonishment touches hearts and shows true feelings, therefore happiness flows freely as much as sorrow.
Before, the sight of the new year bring me inate happiness and hope that overwhelms me, now its the other way around, each new year when i see fireworks display i shed tears for different reasons, but this time tears wont mean bewilderment, nor astomishment, nor joy, rather it would mean my deepest agony,my grief, my heartbreak, something ive been trying to cover with smiles and laughter and something ive been disposing of diligently.
Well, no matter what i do, i know its gonna come, i just hope the new year passes fast for me because i am really afraid to feel alone, seeming apart from the world and everyone else.
But i will be persistent until all the noises stop, until sparklers cease painting the night sky. I will resist, and like the rest of the world i will watch even if i am not sharing everyones spirit at the moment, even if fireworks makes me cry..

Missing in Action

Saturday, December 29, 2007 |

Today, i learned that having true friends is really a treasure. Its that feeling that when you yourself are in pain, you want to outburst in tears upon seeing them, hearing their voice, reading their letter or text messages, makes you true to yourself, that hey, he's somebody who wont give a damn seeing how soft i am as a person, i can be true to myself should i want to break down, i can stop pretending that im OK and cry freely as i please.
I have a few friends and believe me, i can confide most to those i have not really seen in person, have not even heard his voice on the other line. But when i can feel their presence, im suddenly beginning to feel that its okay to cry, that i will be listened to, that i have somebody who cares for me, regardless..
Somehow, im a little sad because they seem to be floating away, and too little of the options i have to contact them, im extremely afraid, about them missing in action.

Just an email, just thru text..Hon
Hon (a call name) answered my email 2 days ago, i waited patiently for his reply and it took more than 2 months, i cant quite understand his letter to me, prior to that i have informed him that i have already ended my relationship with my partner. In the past 2 years, he was constantly with me in my continuous struggle, there was sometime that he was my source of strength, i value his words so much and i trusts him so much that he knows everything about the ups and downs of my relationship..In his reply he told me that he intended to not reply to me because he might say something not acceptable maybe not applicable and he worries that i may take that differently. I was delighted to hear from him, but more than that i was sad.. extremely sad, he did not even leave his celphone number, to think ive waited more than 2 months just for a reply. Evenso, i know that he really cares for me. Right Hon?
Irony, somebody who makes my complicated life a little better and somebody that i can only contact thru email and Text, i cant even text now bec i dont know his number..

Just thru YM, never seen each other, just heard voices
Intelasus thats his Mage's name in our RPG, waa whats happening to you im sick worried you ring my phone but when i answer its gone, im really worried about you and im afraid that you are a little mad at me, you told me that when i do something bad to myself you wont "pansin" me in heaven that you will just "deadma" me, but hey we are not in heaven yet but you are slipping away paps whats happening to you, Tampo nako sayo, you just tell me your contact number then ill call you overseas. kahit na mahal waaa.. i hate you na pag di moko tinawagan waaa.
Sickening, i heard your voice the first time after two years when you were already abroad, and now i cant even contact you because you did not give me your number or you must have forgotten, now that i want to hear you again, i have no means, no option but to wait.

The real deal, flesh, voice, message, and ehem some nice memories
He likes Red, I met him again and i was really expecting to see him in Eperformax because i know that he works there, but ive been with Eperf for quite some time already and still did not see him, only last Wednesday, I saw him in his favorite color, but he was quite indifferent to me, not my usual sweet Jiggs, really. I dont know, but im still making reservations, i know him and i know there must a reason why he can't even talk to me like he used to. When i saw him that night i want to hug him tight and start telling whats bothering me and what im really feeling, that i am hurt and that i am barely moving on, and that i feel so down and so little, i want to tell him everything like i used to, because i believe he care for me bec he's proven that more than any other friend could, much to my regret, he cant even talk to me, hurts me even more to feel that he cant even look at me, its still him, i know but, somehow it feels so different. Maybe its not my Jiggs, but just somebody else's boyfriend. I know, yeah right, i must be really guilty for ruining his relationship with Ira and with Tina, but i don't mean to.. i honestly don't mean to. Somehow, thinking back about the past made me sad, he might not be saying it but i know i have a major contribution for his past heartaches, he may not be blaming me but i know i have a fair share of blame, my existence in his life could be, he just could not say it.
Maybe, well just a lucky guess, maybe he was afraid to loose his girlfriend this time because of me.. not that we have a romantic relationship,no, we hardly see and talk to each other in the last two years, but just maybe, he was afraid that what happened to him with Ira and Tina, would happen again.. i dont want to realize that my hunch is true, because it would hurt me even more to let him go. He was a part of my life thats as important as my previous relationship, there was something beyond that i cant explain, nobody would understand how special he is to me. But should i prove that he was acting that way because my hunch is true, well.. well.. waaaaa. ayoko, pero sige..okay..kesa naman maging sad na naman sya.. I have always wanted to see him happy after all, he could be somebody else's boyfriend but he's still my Jiggs, and will forever be..

As much as i want to hear them, see them, feel them and make sumbong to them, i cant .. my beloved friends, my true friends are Missing In Action. Its really depressing, but i will wait, then again, hoping..wishful..longing

Oro (Orlo) the Fourth Planet

Wednesday, December 26, 2007 |

Yesterday, much to my surprise Aruarose launched a new patch with the 4th planet, Oro, the Planet of Gold. Im so happy that i want to go back playing Rose again hehehe, unfortunately the PC i have at home is only the minimum requirement so its very hard to play. But im still happy that i was able to see the fourth planet that we Prose players failed to experience..
Thanks to AruaRose GMs and Staff, as always Good Job guys!!

This is my character Hiraia standing in Kotopolis, Planet Orlo

Download ARUAROSE client now and register.

Not Just Imaginary

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 |

When i first learned how to play Online RPGs i never would have thought that I'll get so addicted and hooked into it. It was just a past time before then as i enjoy the environment in each and every login i make, the more fun levelling up and hunting became, making friends you could not really see, don't really know personally, it was fun, and i gave my all just to earn the trusts and love of the people in the server.
Unlike in RPG, i dont have so much friends, i am not an outgoing person and since i have devoted my most precious free time to my BF at that time, even going out with some of my closest friends seemed impossible, ROSE became our baby.
In contrast to what other people are saying, meeting online friends thru the game was a luck to me, because either i meet professionals or really nice people, some of them are actually textmates until now and even see each other during GAs.
These days were my lowest and last night i received a call from Dubai from a friend i thought only exist in ROSE, although when he was still in Manila he constantly emails me, checks on me, but, he never really get to talk to me or even hear me.He left for Dubai about a month now and i am very happy that he called me last night, i was so happy i cried for hours and hours and i was thankful thats theres still ONE good friend left to check on me, not chat with me, text me, but to talk to me, he was not my classmate, not my officemate, not my closest friend to consider. But he was the only .-ONLY person who managed to give me that much effort. Thank you Nelson.

Freakin' Heartbreak

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 |

Even after so many things that should have thought me how to be tough, i still feel weak, i still have so many questions and still hope for something that seems impossible..
Im so puzzled.. Until now, I dont understand the essence of loving and getting into a relationship, if not for a lifetime.. if humans have different capacities in intellect, why cant loving be an exception? Ive read so many self-help articles, even bought a book, isolated myself and seek professional help, ive prayed. Yes, i do.. People said that my mind is closed and i should accept the fact that after nine years its over, theres no more us, accept that the love i used to believe in the past 9 years is now an illusion, well infact i do, but then again, i cannot let go..
“Hearts break so it could open up for a new one”, catchy.., i read this line printed in one of the books i saw one time while strolling the mall, upon understanding the author's real thought i felt inspired and said to myself that he must be right, yeah.. but only after an hour of continues strolling a realization came to me like a conscience speaking, negating, contradicting the author's opinion – hearts break because somebody must have broken it, it opens up because somebody gets out of it.. you can call it a broken heart if it hurts, if it does not you call it freedom- but then again were not talking about freedom – we are talking about broken heart. For a moment, that authors opinion gave me a bit of hope..But i now realize, its just a consolation, after all, nobody whose entered a romantic relationship would think of it ending nor want it to end. No matter how healthy and good an experience broken heart can give, be real, nobody wants to be hurt nobody wants his/her heart broken regardless if it opens or not.
I thought that im doing well, pretending im okay, im not hurt anymore..
I have so many questions but it all boils down to one generalization – that right now nothing can really make me feel better but myself and my own will to move on.. so many questions and yet the answers are just here – in my is so simple and yet i cannot comprehend.
Gosh..Why am i writing something like this in my blog? when infact i know i wont get any answer and even if do.. will that be strong enough, encouraging enough to lift my spirit just for a few that line i saw a few days ago?. lifted me up a few hours, made me think that there's something joyful for me to look forward to..
Waaah, Im so helpless, i wish this will be over soon God knows how tired i am getting hurt, waiting. Hoping, doing my very best to let go, im doing something now i cant find the courage to do a year ago.. God help me..
Oh my Freaking Heartbreak HuuuShuu!.. Let Me Go.